Music for a painful life

a playlist included

July 18, 2026

The prompt was to write about an album that got me through a tough time. I don't have an album, but I do have a youtube channel that has me visiting it a concerning amount of times over the past 8 years. And every time I see myself visiting it a lot I know I'm in trouble. Its called I'm cyborg but that's ok.

A playlist of my favourites - here

The very specific phase that makes me want to listen to the music they post is a little hard to explain but I will try. It's when I'm sad but I'm not sad enough and I need to be sadder than I am to regulate myself ( aka cry ; crying is regulation ; crying was my first line of SOS regulation and sleeping was the second ). There is also a very particular type of loneliness that comes from this particular type of sadness. "No one gets it, no one understands this specific problem I'm facing" (even though a lot of our problems tend to be similar than we think it is) and thats why I need to sink in a steady rate and hurt myself in the chest until it feels like I'll never return. It's not an ocean that I'm sinking in, something way more viscous like honey or gulab jamun syrup (specifically from anand) and there's no bouncing up. It feels slightly sweet, predictable and just what I need. I rest in the steady sinkingness and it cradles me to sleep. The tiredness is just the right amount where there are no thoughts but the pain.

I have been in therapy for too long now. I am sad that I can't be sad like that anymore. I can't feel this anymore. I do get sad but hopefulness is everywhere. And there's hope for everything and I'm grateful for all the work I did to get to this point of realising that these drastic energy draining ways of regulation need not be used every single time I feel this feeling.

Tell me if you like the playlist : [email protected]