another morning page
Oct 2, 2026
Happy free second slap day (as a believer of "turning the other cheek only works on those who have empathy", I had to say that)
It's a particularly bleak day for santa today. They are thinking of many things. Burdened by everything I have not done this week, today. I'm really struggling to do work and just sitting down to get work done is causing me to flare up. My whole body feels like its on fire. My hunch is that years of layoffs, bad feedback cycles and hurtful existence in design is taking a toll on how it impacts me emotionally. I start feeling lightheaded when I'm making something up for review. I know the only way to solve this is to let these feelings pass and making a safe space for myself, which I will do. And only hope that it would get better.
"They" a very nice pronoun but I think there is too much space for me in this pronoun, I'm scared. Now "He" on the other hand - that I like, there's something trashy, gunky and a lil bit of devil may care vibes to him that I'm gravitating with. And she she she, is what I get called everywhere.
I've been thinking of implications of "I don't want to exist" now that my life has turned around and suddenly people love me no questions asked, no caveats and I'm easily able to fulfil peer expectations easily. It does make me sad to casually think suicidal thoughts, because I don't get to have fun conversations with people I love, I can't randomly bump into people I like and everything else that comes with the joy of co-existing on this wonderful planet that is genuinely amazing. I've never even been to japan or new york. There's so much to live for. And now "I don't want to exist" just feels like a "I need to pause my life the way it is and come back" And I'm thankful for that. It took a lot of work by me and a lot of love by others to get here.
I want to floss but can't because I have braces and they get taken off soon so that's exciting.
I need to drink more water, ugh dry eyes. I don't have astigmatism lol.
Ok that's all bye