many thoughts and many anxieties
Oct 1, 2026
This is my morning page today. I've been contracting as a designer and lots of things are happening in my life. And there is a deep sense of sadness. I think I forgot how much less time there is when you work. There is almost no time to exist. Everything feels sliced. But most of all, my patience was already so limited and I'm realising I'm much more limited when I work. I just don't feel like talking to anyone after I work and I just want to not exist post work, I am so sad and down on energy. It feels truly extractive out of me. I'm so sad man. Especially design needs so much iterating and just creative exhaustion to get to a happy place. It is a draining job. I hope it gets easier one day because right now I'm dying. But I love this job to bits. It is truly sad how upset I get when I don't do design. It's my hyperfixation and source of dopamine. Design in that sense brings my life a lot of meaning. I'll keep going ig. I'm starting to resent this city so much, I was stuck in traffic for almost 3 and a half hours yesterday. It is abhorrent. I truly just cannot do this. My cab driver had to literally bend over backwards to get me from Bellandur to Ashok Nagar. Both extremely packed and high traffic points. You come out the other end a completely different person than when you entered the ride. This was 2 hours of travel one way yesterday. I can only imagine what its like for people that do this everyday. Even when I travelled to a metro connected place like Kadugodi tree park, its unwalkable and unbearable and the ride is still 45-50 mins one way and I cant get a ride home after the metro. I feel really restless and I need to do something about my scrolling addiction. As soon as I can get myself to stop scrolling I immediately need to hit it with another type of scroll because I cannot deal with the emptyness of even a moment's pause. Maybe curbing this will help my frustrations and I need to replace this with meditation or sittig quiet or taking a walk. I can hear my fridge and the squirrel outside my house and a dog barking. It's one of those days. For some reason, rain - the one thing that made me happy, content and calmed me has also been a source of severe anxiety - I dreamt that my ceiling fell on me once and the thought of my clothes getting wet while it rained outside bothered me. I can hear air conditioners, even central ac and most other types of cooling and they're set to such low temperatures in most places that my north karnataka/south maharashtra gene'd body starts freezing immediately, my skin shrivels up and I feel so dry. I hate it, my eyes are dry let me dry eyes solution my eyes. Eye solutioned I want t build things, I want to make things pretty, I want to make a dress, I want to graffiti on this city about things that matter to me. I want to make a movie and I want to take pictures of real things. I am so sad, I am so sad everyday. My life is passing by so fast and I just want to be hot, creative and have a cosmopolitan at night and have a locked in conversation with my friends. I hope there's more to my life, I hope there's more time, people, creative projects and an archive of it all when I've left
P.S. : I can't stand my blog, it looks ugly. I need to change it